Too Much to Say

I'm going to preface this blog by saying that I'm going to try to be completely honest and not say anything that I think I have to say, but not truly mean.
So, honestly, I have dreaded this moment. I have no idea what to say. I begin to think about a subject, but then shake my head because I would not do it justice unless I also talked about this subject and this subject. I have dreaded that what I will write will be "woefully inadequate" and I will erase what I have written rather than not give the whole story (at least not to my satisfaction). So I sit here, confused and searching for something to say.

And yet, I recognize that you are not my critics; you do not want to judge my experiences or top them by saying "that's nothing, when I went to (fill in the blank)...". You are people who love me (generally speaking) and many have asked how I am doing and how to pray for me. I want to thank you for that support and that love. I know God is working here, but I don't know how to express it short of publishing my journal.

Perhaps for now I will simply say that the first week was one of the best weeks of my life. It was incredible... but as we (3 girls, 2 guys) settle in, things become more difficult and sin jumps to the surface and there is nowhere to run. I would beg for your prayers for our team. Not that things are not going very well because I believe they are. We have sat down and had some very open times where we are simply honest with each other, and I have felt so blessed by them. But ever since we arrived here my heart has been for this team: that we might glorify Christ through our love for each other and for the love we share with those around us. However, I have noticed recently that I am a very selfish person (perhaps those who are married might sympathize). I cannot get into a car and leave when I want to be alone, I cannot talk to a different group of friends who would sympathize with my complaints, I cannot do anything that would cover up the pain inside... and that is difficult to deal with. We all live together in a very small apartment that has a small living room/kitchen, a small bathroom and two small rooms (guys sleep in one, girls in the other). We are always around each other, and we are in a foreign country. It can be overwhelming. Prayer is good.

But, I don't think I have any clear direction I want to take this update, so I would like to close it by saying there will be more to come and hopefully it will be structured in such a fashion as to be more informative and more joyful. It has been a great blessing to me just to remember the Gospel and that I died when Jesus died. I love you all very much and I would love prayer. God is so good.