Thoughts in General

I currently find myself in a conundrum of sorts… one that pulls me in two opposite directions. I am faced with an ached heart that is filled with the longing to appreciate beauty. Vivid pictures of a leisurely stroll on a cool, crisp autumn day fill my mind. The glorious details; the colors, the smells, the tastes… all weigh so heavily on me that I could write for days and never be satisfied with my description of it. And here in lies my conundrum. How does one evoke an emotion with words? The desires of my heart are of such strong magnitude that I wish only to share them with someone, yet in the same moment, I realize that to even attempt to express those feelings I have could only end in frustration in what would never be an adequate explanation of them. Realizing this, of course, ends with frustration anyway.

Not unrelated, I have been reading C.S. Lewis and I am astounded at his ability to write in such a fashion as to completely absorb me in it. Not in the same way as when one reads a suspenseful novel, but in a way that makes me feel as though he were writing this book for me specifically. I read every sentence with an involuntary meticulousness so that each intonation and accent is placed precisely where it should, as though the author and I were having an actual conversation. I laugh aloud and have to pull myself back into reality lest anyone think that I am crazy. Each question is addressed even before it is asked in my mind (though not before it is subconsciously formed) and after ever description I seem to shout “Yes! Yes! This is it! C.S., you have completed in skillfully and beautifully portraying those things which have been locked up behind a mind without the capacity to describe them.” O what joy comes from passions that are shared! I thought just today not only of the many many emotions and fears and joys my soul was experiencing, but how they all interacted and played together in my heart. And at the time I wanted nothing more than to be able to merely touch someone, to look them in the eye and know that they knew what I was feeling… what joy it would bring.

Yet, again, I find myself discouraged to even attempt to try to explain such affections. It feels as though it would be a crime to sell so short such intense emotions by putting them into words. However, the nature of them seems only to find satisfaction in their sharing! This is the problem laid bare.

Goodness, I want to write more on this but perhaps another day. I am afraid to go on, in part, no doubt, to the reasons listed above. However, I will say in closing that, ironically, it feels good to get all that out.