Yikes...

So as I am trying to get into the habit of blogging more often (those of you that do know it can be a hard habit to get into), I am going to post something though I’m not sure about what. It seems the two extremes are I have too much on my mind to try to write anything or I have nothing on my mind. Right now I am in the midst of the book “Young, Restless, Reformed” which is forcing me towards the former at the moment. However, my mind has been more occupied today with 1 Peter 2:18-21.

I decided to read this today in continuing my personal study of 1 Peter. God has already blown me away with this letter and today was no different. I read it and tried to exposit it myself before looking at the notes in my study Bible followed by reading a message that pastor John Piper gave. The focus of the passage is Peter telling servants that, being “mindful of God,” they ought to endure suffering at the hands of unjust masters. I was a little baffled at first why Peter would issue such a command. Peter goes on to say that Christ suffered for us, “leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” But my life is so different from Christ’s. Christ’s suffering had the purpose of absorbing the wrath of God. What purpose could Peter (and God) have in mind when he tells servants to be subject to, and endure suffering from, an unjust master?

I’m taking a step back now and I’m realizing the scope of what I am saying. To be sure, I think it would be important to go through the verses and essentially exposit them as I did in my quiet time which might make for a little bit more of a blog than I intended. Actually, as I now think about it, I am frustrated that for me to get to the point(s), it will take several pages of background… a rookie mistake. As much as 1 Peter has been an incredible source of encouragement and blessing for me, I didn’t realize how difficult it might be to summarize my thoughts as they stem from several sources. But since I'm still more concerned with writing something, I'll still put this one out there. I’m not sure how to end this blog, so here’s a summarizing quote from John Piper:

“God often wills that we suffer unjustly and that we bear it by his grace and for his glory.” Amen.

Overflow

I have not written on my blog for several months. But as I have had some time to get into the Word consistently and read more often, I find that I am a lake with rivers flowing into it, but not out. I live in a small town and it can be difficult to find others who wrestle with the same topics as I. Though this blog is probably long deserted, I hope I might find great use for it as a means to pour out what is on my heart and mind, as on or misguided as it may be.

The greatest barrier to writing anything is the agonizing job of forming often vague thoughts into coherent language (and even more agonizing is personifying the affections that accompany those thoughts, especially when dealing with spiritual matters). My increase in reading and time for reflection has created both positive and negative results in regards to this writing. I love reading. I love it when I read something that breaks open the bottleneck of my limited capacity to form a concise and summarizing thought to my feelings and experiences. It so frees up my affections and transforms my frustration into joy. And this is not even limited to reading. I can recall conversations with friends and messages from pastors which have produced the same effect. I love this and I call it the wonderful expression of God’s glorious truth. It is like a shackle of the mind falling to the ground. How wonderful it is.

However, on the negative side, this wonderful expression often lends pressure to another bottleneck… sharing it with others! As much as I rejoice in the “penetrating, compelling expression” of thoughts and emotions, I balk at expressing these to others. I think the process is complicated by my current situation in rural Nebraska.

But, understand that I do not desire to showcase what is going on in my life for my own gratification, but I pray that with the words of this blog, my joy (and the joy of all) might increase in the wonderful expression of God’s glorious truth, as inexpressible as it is.

Safe and Sound (Long Overdue)

Well, I’m home! I arrived safe and sound in Kansas City on December 3^rd and am now moved in with my parents in Broken Bow.

Lessons and memories from Ecuador are many and I’m sure I will continue to gain from the experience. I am thankful for the raw encounter to missionary life and being able to help in different capacities, even though it was only for a short time. The first couple of days back were difficult with the sadness of saying good-bye to it all. Those kids are amazing. They are precious and will always have a fond place in my heart. I hope that I will be able to keep in touch with them.

I will miss Nita and Francisco as well. Truly I will miss many things and many people, but I pray for the wisdom to take what God has shown me and apply it. I want to be effective and passionate for the Lord every day, no matter where that may be and no matter what that may be, big or small.

One thing that has been on my mind as I was preparing to return, and even now as I am home, is my own expectations for myself. It is hard for me not to tell myself that I need to somehow be different, that I want people to notice a change in me because of this experience. I struggled with this before when I returned from Japan, though I was not really aware of it until later. I feel so strongly that God orchestrated this trip to Ecuador and has, and will, use it for His glory. Yet, I don’t feel that different. I feel like I still struggle with many of the same old sins and still wonder if I am ever going to get it. I don’t say that with despair, however. Well, I do sometimes struggle mightily against despair when I fall for what seems like the 10,000^th time in some sort of recurring sin, but that might be another discussion altogether. I realize that God can work in ways in which I do not yet understand, and indeed I am expecting Him to work in and on my life. I suppose that it is good not to unrealistically attempt to be perfect, but it might be equally wise not to despair that I am not changed.

I believe I could jot down more than I think I could about the things I learned while in Ecuador. I learned a little bit of Spanish, for one. I learned that missionary life can be a very slow, day after day battle for souls. I learned that God provides. I learned that it is more difficult to cook in the altitude. I learned that it is good for me to have some structure in my life, but not too much. I learned that girls think differently than guys (I’ll leave it at that). I learned that I am a very selfish person. I learned a little of what it looks like to be a physician and a missionary…

Even of these things, I believe they have only been learned to a small degree and I do not mean to say that I now know everything there is to know about missionary life or cooking in the altitude; only that I have learned something. Praise God for this experience. I am praying that He would continue bring forth fruit from this experience for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure what is in store for me now except that I hope to be starting medical school in the fall of 2008. I will be staying in Broken Bow until then and looking for a job to keep me occupied. I’m excited to be at home with my parents for a little bit and I’m excited to see how I might serve the Lord. Thank you all for the prayers and even for keeping updated on my little journey. God bless and hopefully I won’t stop the updates just because I’m back in the States.

For His glory,

A Week in the Life

Okay, two weeks to go. Things are flying by so I thought I should get out another update asap.
I was thinking that I haven’t yet written on what an average week here looks like. There really is no “average” week here because we have been doing so many different things, but here goes.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday look somewhat similar. In the morning there is usually about an hour or more (sometimes less depending on when I get up and when we need to start working) to eat breakfast and have a quiet time. Having some time nearly every morning set aside to be able to study the Scriptures has been more of a blessing that I could have thought. Next, Wyatt and I are at Nita’s disposal as far as how she wants to use us. Generally, she wants us to come over to her house around 9:00. Oftentimes it is for some work in her yard or garden. We mow the lawn, rake the yard, plant trees, cut down trees, prune trees, collect fruit, build makeshift fences… pretty much anything she needs or wants to have done. Sometimes she takes one of us to go with her to run errands, sometimes Wyatt goes to work with Francisco (he is an electrician and works a little on the side) and I work by myself. But chances are that we will be doing something in the morning. A quick side note, I have found that I really enjoy working in the morning. I love working in a way where I know that I am serving someone. I love working in a way where results can be seen. I love working manually and outside most of the time. I love that the work is not an all day thing (at least not the same work). And, I love that it helps me to use the time I do have off well. I believe if you were to give me a day to do anything, I might waste it by doing nothing. However, if you were to give me a day which had 1/3 or 1/2 of it already planned out, the other 2/3 or 1/2 would be much more profitable. So I have learned to very much enjoy the morning work (most of the time). If Wyatt and I do something that gets us reasonably dirty, Nita sends us home around noon to get cleaned up and come back to her house for lunch at 12:30. Now, I’m not sure what the girls do exactly, but I know that they also do various things. I know they make the juice every morning for the after-school program in the afternoon. They sometimes help Nita with lunch, they fix up the center to get ready for the after-school program if it needs it, they paint every now and again, etc. Right now one of the girls is painting a mural on the side of the center (Ashley), so that will probably take up her mornings for the rest of the time here.
Anyway, 12:30 is lunch, which it would be safe to say is always delicious. And after lunch we walk back to the center and wait for the kids to come -if they are not already there- for the after-school program. It usually begins around 1:30 or 1:45 and lasts to about 5:00 or a little after. There are about 35 students who come (ages 6-12). This is not a free service (though it is very cheap) and parents must sign up their kids to be in it. My job has turned into being the supply watchmen. Kids have access to pencils, pens, colored pencils, markers, scissors, glue and other supplies they many want or need to complete their homework. It is my job however, to make sure they do not steal these supplies, so I write down their name and what they take and make sure they give them back. I try to help with homework on the side, however, if things aren’t busy. It would be another sheet of paper to try to explain some of the homework these kids have. It is not uncommon for younger kids to have to draw squiggly lines (no kidding) on an entire page. At any rate, we all are obliged to offer then any help we can. We do reasonably well and it has been a blessing to have Wyatt, a newly graduated high school math teacher, and Amber, a newly graduated elementary teacher with an emphasis in special education. The center itself has a guard family that takes care of the property and lives in a little house on the grounds. They have three children and the eldest, Cathi, was born with water on her brain. Children with special needs are not generally well taken after down here, though her parents do take good care of her. Cathi is not able to go to school or get into a special school, so Amber has been using the after-school program as a time to teach and tutor Cathi specifically. I think that is really neat and has been a blessing for the family.
Around 4:00 most of the kids are usually done with homework so they play around the center until it is time for a snack of some sort and juice. Then they leave. We usually make dinner for ourselves and then do various things depending on the day. Monday is “Dancing with the Stars” at Nita’s. Tuesday is Bible Study at Nita’s followed by “Dancing with the Stars: Results”. Sometimes we take advantage of being at Nita’s and call home or use the dial-up Internet. Wednesday is open so we may read or play cards together or something of that nature.
Oh, and just to clarify, we live in an apartment on the grounds of the center, Nita lives about 100 yards away.
Thursday and Friday are open and may look very different depending of the week. If we want to take a trip somewhere, we usually plan it for these days. If no trip is planned, we often spend the morning reading and relaxing and take a bus into town in the afternoon to stop by an Internet café and go exploring. Thursday night we have dinner at Nita’s and watch Survivor and CSI. Remember that we almost never watch TV except for these three days, though we do watch the very occasional movie (there is no TV at our apartment, only Nikki’s laptop).
Now, Saturday has the morning free generally, though we do sometimes do work for Nita if she wants. After lunch (around 1:00) the chaos begins with 100+ kids for the “Kid’s Club” (ages 6-12). They run around and play until about 2:00 and then there is roll call and they sing songs and Nita teaches them a story from the Bible. There is then a picture of the story which they have to color, followed by more playing and a snack and juice before they disperse around 4:30 or 5:00. Kid’s Club is free and any one is allowed. Right now the kids are beginning work on their Christmas play to be held at the center (after we leave unfortunately). After Kid’s Club is “Youth Group” for the older kids (13-18), which usually draws about 30. They show up at various times, but they have longer to hang out and play games. We usually play Uno or ping-pong or soccer or some other game with them until about 7:30. Francisco then teaches them and we have a snack and juice or tea before they leave. We are usually tired by then (Nita and Francisco especially).
Sundays is church in Quito at English Christian Fellowship. I enjoy going to this church and am glad that they do their service in English. After is lunch and then Sunday is open to read or relax or go into town, etc. Then Monday it all begins again.
I caution, however, to keep in mind that nearly every week has something in it a bit different. This last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wyatt and I went on a medical caravan to the town of Pueblo Nuevo, near Mindo. An experience I wish I was not too tired from typing (and a bit short on time) to write about now.
So there is a very on the surface look at what it going on down here. I didn’t know exactly what to expect, but I enjoy very much being here and serving Nita and Francisco in whatever capacity I can.
Prayers for the last couple weeks would be wonderful. May we finish strong and begin to process all that God has done while we have been down here.

God bless,

Matthias

General Update

Friends,I have lots to tell, so please bear with me as this update might be all over the place.

I have now been in Ecuador for about seven weeks. In some ways it feels like it has been that long (maybe longer) but in other ways it seems as though I just got here. I am very much enjoying my time here and most of all I am happy to be learning much about the culture and what it means to be a missionary of the Cross of Christ. I don’t think I’ll go into that now, but hopefully another time.
To give you an update, my Spanish is coming along, but I still get frustrated with how much I don't know. Thankfully, the kids are really helpful and patient in teaching me. And speaking of the kids... O how I love to work with them. They are so affectionate, which is just fine with me. I love giving out hug after hug, often two or three to the same child before he or she leaves to go home. Whenever the kids want you to go anywhere, even if it’s just a few feet away, they grab your hand or cling to your arm. Unfortunately, many of them don't have a wonderful family life. One of the most difficult things to learn of and see while we have been here is the extensiveness of the brokenness in so many of the families. Adultery is nauseatingly abundant. However, I would like to stay away from any kind of cultural dogging as it may take the issue away from the source. Hard to watch as it may be, people here (as people anywhere) need Christ, not unbroken families.
On a lighter note, I would say that the coolest thing I’ve seen/experienced... is pretty hard to say. Ecuador is more amazing than I could have thought. We have gone into the jungle twice and I think it would take up too much space to write down all the details to do it justice. The first time Wyatt and I swam across a head river to the Amazon and stayed in a small town where monkeys inhabited the square (we fed them peanuts). The second time we stayed with a missionary couple and saw MAF (mission aviation fellowship) which flies supplies into and out of isolated jungle areas. This was also the main hub for Jim Eliot and the other missionaries who were killed around 50 years ago. It was interesting to walk into an old house and see some of the old radio equipment that they used to communicate with the planes and missionaries. I was also able to go to a small missionary hospital and talk with the administrator and one of the doctors about how they work and the people they see... goodness, it is hard to describe (I won’t attempt to). The missionaries we stayed with actually own land that was used in the movie "Proof of Life" and we got to see an amazing waterfall up close. It was incredible, especially when surrounded by mountains covered with trees. The sites and the views in the jungle were simply astonishing.
Another thing I really love is that just about any food here is fresh. Because of the weather, one can grow just about anything. In the missionary's yard, there are six avocado trees (one that produces avocados about the size of footballs, no kidding), a fig tree, an orange tree, a lemon tree, a couple of mandarin trees and some banana trees, though they don't have bananas. However, the water in our area is bad and we have to drink bottled water, which isn't that awful, just more of a pain.
Oh yeah, and in the middle of November, I get to go on a caravan for a weekend to a place called Mindo to help people through some kind of service. This could be a medical caravan or it could be a work caravan, but I’m really excited for either.
Because Nita, the missionary with whom we are staying, has worked with so many other missionaries at one time or another, she has a lot of hook-ups. We had dinner with a physician and his wife who were from the states, but have been here for about 30 years. It was a blessing to be able to sit and listen to them and just observe them. I was able to see a little of what it looks like to be a physician and a missionary, which was a little different than I expected...
Sorry I'm all over the place but I'm just throwing down thoughts as they come.
I haven't been feeling well the past few weeks, though I feel much better as of a few days ago. Nita took me next door and we spoke with a physician who happened to be there and she took a guess that I had Giardia. It was kind of more of a shoot first ask questions later thing. So we went to the neighborhood “Sana Sana” and picked up some medicine, which down here is very cheap ($.60), and I think it took care of it. Praise the Lord for that because it was really annoying and painful.
Well, I suppose that will do for now. The trip is only half over so I’m sure the Lord will do some more amazing things.
And the team is doing well. We had some trouble at first because of the tight living quarters, but I think we have adapted well to it and we are becoming more mobile every week. The bus' are cheap here ($.20 per ride) and we are pretty used to them by now.
Anyway, I love you all and I miss you. I hope everything is well with you. God bless.

Matt

Too Much to Say

I'm going to preface this blog by saying that I'm going to try to be completely honest and not say anything that I think I have to say, but not truly mean.
So, honestly, I have dreaded this moment. I have no idea what to say. I begin to think about a subject, but then shake my head because I would not do it justice unless I also talked about this subject and this subject. I have dreaded that what I will write will be "woefully inadequate" and I will erase what I have written rather than not give the whole story (at least not to my satisfaction). So I sit here, confused and searching for something to say.

And yet, I recognize that you are not my critics; you do not want to judge my experiences or top them by saying "that's nothing, when I went to (fill in the blank)...". You are people who love me (generally speaking) and many have asked how I am doing and how to pray for me. I want to thank you for that support and that love. I know God is working here, but I don't know how to express it short of publishing my journal.

Perhaps for now I will simply say that the first week was one of the best weeks of my life. It was incredible... but as we (3 girls, 2 guys) settle in, things become more difficult and sin jumps to the surface and there is nowhere to run. I would beg for your prayers for our team. Not that things are not going very well because I believe they are. We have sat down and had some very open times where we are simply honest with each other, and I have felt so blessed by them. But ever since we arrived here my heart has been for this team: that we might glorify Christ through our love for each other and for the love we share with those around us. However, I have noticed recently that I am a very selfish person (perhaps those who are married might sympathize). I cannot get into a car and leave when I want to be alone, I cannot talk to a different group of friends who would sympathize with my complaints, I cannot do anything that would cover up the pain inside... and that is difficult to deal with. We all live together in a very small apartment that has a small living room/kitchen, a small bathroom and two small rooms (guys sleep in one, girls in the other). We are always around each other, and we are in a foreign country. It can be overwhelming. Prayer is good.

But, I don't think I have any clear direction I want to take this update, so I would like to close it by saying there will be more to come and hopefully it will be structured in such a fashion as to be more informative and more joyful. It has been a great blessing to me just to remember the Gospel and that I died when Jesus died. I love you all very much and I would love prayer. God is so good.

Thoughts in General

I currently find myself in a conundrum of sorts… one that pulls me in two opposite directions. I am faced with an ached heart that is filled with the longing to appreciate beauty. Vivid pictures of a leisurely stroll on a cool, crisp autumn day fill my mind. The glorious details; the colors, the smells, the tastes… all weigh so heavily on me that I could write for days and never be satisfied with my description of it. And here in lies my conundrum. How does one evoke an emotion with words? The desires of my heart are of such strong magnitude that I wish only to share them with someone, yet in the same moment, I realize that to even attempt to express those feelings I have could only end in frustration in what would never be an adequate explanation of them. Realizing this, of course, ends with frustration anyway.

Not unrelated, I have been reading C.S. Lewis and I am astounded at his ability to write in such a fashion as to completely absorb me in it. Not in the same way as when one reads a suspenseful novel, but in a way that makes me feel as though he were writing this book for me specifically. I read every sentence with an involuntary meticulousness so that each intonation and accent is placed precisely where it should, as though the author and I were having an actual conversation. I laugh aloud and have to pull myself back into reality lest anyone think that I am crazy. Each question is addressed even before it is asked in my mind (though not before it is subconsciously formed) and after ever description I seem to shout “Yes! Yes! This is it! C.S., you have completed in skillfully and beautifully portraying those things which have been locked up behind a mind without the capacity to describe them.” O what joy comes from passions that are shared! I thought just today not only of the many many emotions and fears and joys my soul was experiencing, but how they all interacted and played together in my heart. And at the time I wanted nothing more than to be able to merely touch someone, to look them in the eye and know that they knew what I was feeling… what joy it would bring.

Yet, again, I find myself discouraged to even attempt to try to explain such affections. It feels as though it would be a crime to sell so short such intense emotions by putting them into words. However, the nature of them seems only to find satisfaction in their sharing! This is the problem laid bare.

Goodness, I want to write more on this but perhaps another day. I am afraid to go on, in part, no doubt, to the reasons listed above. However, I will say in closing that, ironically, it feels good to get all that out.